teeth, cats, cat teeth

Okay, so it’s starting to seem like the ads I’m getting online are trying to target me. I keep getting ads about cats, ads and ads and ads about cats. That these are showing up on my myspace page makes me think that there is some electronic ad-placer out there smart enough to read what the content of my videos on my front page is, and it’s jumping to the conclusion that I don’t just like watching funny cats do dumb things, but I also have some that need medication.

Fine, sure. Assume away. But what the hell is up with all the orthodontist ads? I mean I have 4 or 5 listings for information about teeth-straightening every time I refresh my page. Where is that target coming from? I mean, is it looking at my pictures and reading the layout of the 10010100101s well enough to determine these pictures are of a humanoid unit with unaligned dental drives. We also detect an early sign of cavities. Alert! Alert! I could understand an ad or two here or there, but now there’s even more information about correcting my teeth than there is about cats.

Targeted Ads Online
Targeted Ads Online

And what is up with all the Crush Alert!s? Give your cell phone number and receive the name of your crush. Wait, is it telling me that it will inform me of who *I* have a crush on? Isn’t that how they’re using it in the sentence? I’ll give it all my personal information and I’ll start getting telemarketing calls on my cell phone, and in return I’ll be informed, You have a crush on that young man you were staring at either all day today or the last time you saw him. You know the one, that guy. “Oh my god! That guy??!! How did it know???”

Or, let’s give it a grammatical benefit of the doubt, it really is claiming to be psychically able to tell you who around you is interested in you. I’m so curious as to what the computer will be able to tell me I almost wanted to give it my phone number. What could it possibly say? You have known someone once who is named John; when you did, do, or will know him, he was, is, will be very interested. Or else: You were in a bar sometime in the last 3 years. There was a guy there who was blond, had green eyes, and was named Tyler. He thinks about you still.

I guess I rather do prefer the orthodonics ads over the cat ads. This shows that the computer A.) has some measure of control over the time-space continuum and is informing me now of options which could have been beneficially made available to me in junior high–either out of a misplaced sense of helpfulness, an inability to understand that I do not operate with full use of the fourth dimension, or an inability to tell time; B.) cannot actually read its potential marks and is relying only on terribly obvious things like a psychic getting by on “I’m seeing someone…someone who has two eyes….and spoke to you once”; or C.) can read people relatively well, but has been tricked by something about me or my page into believing false things about me. Any of these shows we are likely a long way from a Philip-K.-Dickian world in which we and our sentient vacuum cleaners purposely pilot our vehicles into the sun just to escape from the ads.